forget him, forget him.
It isn't worth your time.
You're dead to him,
She's with someone else.
That he ever loved you,
He forever deny.

Forgive him, Forgive him.
He's much too vain to try
Don't blame his trait,
It's too much weight,
On your little mind..

I optimistically wait to not have to write a note as such, but when I have none to turn to, I vent so! Painful it may seem, however, I can't help but wonder..Is it not demeaning to ones self to want to have what others have? To go to the extent of stealing off from what others have thought up? I say not that it is completely my idea, however, can one not exist without having another strip them of what they treasure and hold special or unique to themselves?
If a "friend" is one who turns around and does exactly what you tell them you HATE in a person, what should the said person be considered as? I think an enemy. But who are we to judge who are our enemies and our friends? Our friends may be the ones who possibly WILL BE the ones to turn on us and feed us to the dogs.. Or cows.. Or vultures. Whatever you wish to consider not sentiment damaging, not that I care!
I was told that I turn to a certain someone only when in need or when I'm angry. Who then do I talk to when going through the mentioned? Alas! I cannot bare such rubbish! As for those who persistently copy? Shame! No matter how much I say, it never seems to register. When I hint, I normally mean YOU! What really is a pity is that I am unable to break the miserable, wasted heart of a stupid person who I know shall usurp whatever she can from me and then use it as her own, claiming to know so much of it! What ridiculous fate I have. Can none NOT copy? Can none stay original? Or is it just that every time it is two people with which I form a sort of understanding or alliance, one HAS TO prove themselves worthy and later, obvious while proving, yet so much more intolerable than when this effort of proving I have gotten used to, I must be struck with a blow of realisation of the absolute nothingness but WANT that was sucked out of me?

I do not positively have an idea of what to write here, but I would definitely feel more secure if no one was reading this. Alas. It is going to be read. I have no idea why as I do not promote the pryinginto other peoples lives when you do not know them at all. I would therefore prefer that my page were not viewed at all by those who do not know me. But is that really possible? Beats me. I need a blog where no one can read what I wish to write. And saying that I would prefer to keep something handwritten and get rid of this public display of my emotions and personal thoughts.

Turn it around on me
Don't turn it around, you'll see
I'm so much more than a whisper away.
So far away and still I feel you deep within,
This anger just gushes out at the thought of your lies!

Stay away from me,
I can't defend myself from all this grief.
If I feel you near, I swear I'll hunt you down,
And tear your insides out as you did to me.
I will watch you bleed.

I should be stalking every girl you talk about, going through your things.
Digging up from way beneath all the things that u wish to keep.
I've seen and know girls who slash and burn things, but I feel no need to follow suit.
It isn't easy being an obsessed fool coz I know you're not one to stay aloof.
I won't say my being here is essential, but I think we're much to close for that.
Stalking each other isn't a pass time. It would be quite a bore.
I don't know what urges me to write such pathetic with no flow,
But for some reason I can't seem to stop...

<3

Stand around, to watch me stumble.
Tears flow, sometimes they tumble.
No hard words, no heavy sighs.
That i'm lying, I can't deny.
I watch through images, neatly thatched.
For a hidden meaning for me to unlatch.
All is expected. I find it plain.
But these ulterior motives, they aren't really framed.
Pretext's in my mind, vivid images construed!
I'd be lying if I said I don't miss you.
But that gets us back to the point of this cry.
The meaning I deny. I wait for hope in something that I fear.
But I won't dare to go near.
But when it falls. When I break it.
I shall weep.. Till I am faceless..

Honestly tell me where this leaves us.
Because I do not wish to be left holding on.(to nothing..)

I hope you realise that when you said good bye, it meant for forever.
And in this case, forever never fades away.
I want you to keep at bay.
I hate you for now. I hate you till then.
I will hate you till the very end.
Cries of hope, left far away.
I won't stray. No I won't fall into that grope.
I will stay away. I will stay away.

I hate you.

I don't think he realises how much it hurts when he ignores me.. It actually does. But I guess I should stop cribbing. It's also my fault, but I've seen this happen before.. And somehow I wish now, now that i know what it implies, that I don't have to go through it.. And eventually get told how I'm worth nothing.
ANYWAY! I am currently working on a seminar about caste conflict in Goa. Its so much work, but interesting. If only I had someone incharge of my project who actually backed my decisions and believed in what I said.. And if not me, in the damn books which state it! Shall post about that later when I'm done. Just so tired these days.. Maybe after this I can actually post interesting things. Not my silly blogs on revenge and my exaggerated feelings.

I wonder why I'm writing this.. Maybe it's because I have no one to talk to. I know no one is going to read this either, but just letting it out somewhere kinda helps. I used to have someone I could talk to. But now he's bored and fed up of me. He doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me anymore. I wish there was someone who would listen to me and give me all the attention in the world that he had at his disposal! and whenever I spoke, he would at least pretend to listen and not just disregard everything I say and tell me how stupid I am. I don't need to be reminded that I am stupid. I already know that, but honestly, must it be stated all the time? And I wish I was the apple of his eye.. I wish I was the apple of anyone's eye... I remember this card my godfather gave me. It said You are the Apple of my eye and t had a worm boinging out of it! it was so cute. I miss being young. I want my childhood back so badly sometimes.. Most of the time.. It's just gone away and I can't seem to get it back. I hate thinking he future. It hurts. I miss my family so much. Stupid gatherings and all we had. Not those charismatic ones. I mean picnics. How we would randomly roam and explore Goa's amazing beautiful-ity! Sometimes when I talk about Goa, I don't really mean to praise it to the skies, which I do and obviously pass of as someone extremely ethnocentric, but I do it because it reminds me of home. And I don't wish to forget home. I want others to know how it was.. Growing up there! Its so beautiful. It isn't just drugs and alcohol. It's so much more. Its a way of living. Living for today. There's no tomorrow. Enjoying life. It's so beautiful like that.. Too bad no one understands me. I only wish they did sometimes. Hmm.. That reminds me .. I need to get my camera out and probably check if it needs to be repaired or anything.. Then I can try to take nice pictures and all. Not that I can, but since I am going home again I can try and take some pictures on film which will end up being saved. Better than the ones they have now on a card. Then you put them on the computer and after that, it's lost. So much is lost of my life thanks to the damn digitilisation of everything... like right now. I could write in a nice neat diary.. But i'm here. I'm such a hypocrite..
CRAP! I need to get back to my work! urgh! Submission tomorrow. not easy, much!

All that I said of not having expectations.. Well I seemed to have forgotten the basic principle.. In order to not expect anything one must not be aware of the fact that one isn't expecting anything! If you are aware, that defeats the whole purpose of it occuring in the first place. So I did end up having expectations. Apparently they weren't met and.. Yeah.. It's over...

I scared off another person.

It's boys with glasses,unkempt soft hair,
Girls who aren't them teeny boppers.
Wear a smile and not distasteful.
Crying inside, you can't imagine it,
That's what they're going through.
They don't fear rejection,
They have much to tend to.
Not their breasts, garments, condoms or hairgel.
Just their emotions, hopefully they defend..
Poetry for hours, pondering their empowers.
Conquering new towers.
It's not creative, covered in powder.
Is this all just entertainment?
I'm not part of this theater. I want my credit.
I quit this fakeness.

What is the word to describe the feeling of fear emerging when you see a rat? Or when I see a rat. (There’s so many on the tracks…) I have found a new person to talk a lot to. ME! That way I know someone is listening. Well that feeling I get when I see a rat.. I don’t know if it can be classified as fear or not. Disgust, is more like it. Accompanied by anger. This rush of anger that just makes me burst into another fury which takes me elsewhere where I see all rats dead. At the same time, I imagine them running over my feet and realize that I am scared. I don’t know why. I just can’t seem to understand why this happens. And if that isn’t bad enough, theres always the feeling… when I look at the rat I seem to have this choking sensation..like I have bitten it.. chewed it.. maybe not completely chewed it, but swallowed it and its in my throat. And I feel so much more satisfied and yet not just.. Its so complex..

 

I’m so confused these days. I’m so tired. But that brings about me thinking up ridiculously interesting things and I feel smart. Not smart, really.. In a very confusing way, good about myself. I like my imagination. So in a way, I find this insomnia  so life giving. It makes me happy with who I am. I like being able to make up things that I think are interesting. But maybe its only interesting to me. But I won’t know that for sure. Since it’s in my head and I tend to forget everything anyway! I wondered today… I seem to lose myself in the realm of Despair a lot, but Delirium doesn’t not claim me either. I feel like I can relate to the two, even though I fear rats, or that rats creep me out. Maybe the rats are there to keep me angry. So that I never have to smile and waste my time. Or that I never have to cry and stain my cheeks and hurt my eyes. Delirium.. I secretly like bright colours.. I just don’t like them on me. I don’t look nice in that. I like dressing up just for me. I don’t care about others. I don’t dress for anyone else. So here I am, I’m listening to post hardcore which translates to EMO in simple terms. And feel so much better with these people screaming in my ears. It sounds so pleasant. It maybe takes off the screaming that I don’t let out..

 

Today I was told not to let myself be used. The context does matter. I shall discuss it as an example. You know how you tend to give others the benefit of the doubt? Don’t judge them till they do something? Don’t think negative unless given a reason? Well that’s lard! Never be nice to people. Trust them and you will fail. You can trust no one. No one deserves the benefit of the doubt. They SHOULD BE doubted. I feel bad for the handicapped. Ad much of a ‘bitch’/’snob’ as I may appear, I do have feelings. Behind this hideously snobbish face is a person who empathises, maybe too much, thereby giving the person whose shoes she decides to walk in a few inches less or a few more problems. What this person (lets call her shockingpink) does not realize is that she is actually accentuating those faults. Making mountains of anthills and giving people so much more power over her than she would give herself or anyone else she trusted. Now the person that emerges (lets call it electricpurple) seems, at first, rather self centered, then mellows down and eventually electricpurple is looked upon as a puppet. It can now be used. It hurts shockingpink. She knows something is wrong. She cant stop it. It just eats at her. She finds herself lagging behind. Sunken to the ground. She gets angry. But holds it down.. She thinks its her trait. The one where she gets angry too fast. “Maybe it’s the stress..”, she tells herself. But she can’t take it anymore.

A blind guy tricked me into doing all his notes for him.  Have sympathy for none. A valuable lesson.

I grumble about people copying me. But what kind of friends would wait for u to wear something, then tell u that they like it and hte VERY NEXT DAY have the SAME thing as you did the previous day. I try to stand out and be ridiculous. Why does she need to copy me so ridiculously compulsively?! Jeez. And she is so obvious about it too. Not that she says it, but the fact that it is BECAUSE of what I wore.. ah. I hate people. I just hate a whole lot of them I hate people who call me their best friend and then copy me. Or wait for me to make an enemy and then go suck up to this enemy who treats them like lard.

Lets forget that... It doesn't seem to get any better..